Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.