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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”