I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I told my vodka about you.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*