If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
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Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
こいつ天才
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days