The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
the best thing i’ve ever made
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna