I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.