First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
#Caturday
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*