I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
U talkin 2 me?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.