If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.