I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My patience has stretch marks.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird