If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Remember folks 😂
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*has no idea what a book even is*