Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I would move hell over six inches for you