Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
some things should go without saying
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂