Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
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having children is a pyramid scheme.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.