If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
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In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
The cashier just checked me out.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually