Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]