I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
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#parenting
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”