Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.