Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
You Might Also Like
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Cause of death: Zumba
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
my fav colour is also hitler
dream blunt rotation
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire