Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*