This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
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After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]