Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
You Might Also Like
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.