Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
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My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
how much does a mortician urn in a year
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Oceanography is all about current events
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.