Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice