If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.