Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?