I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.