You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
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What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
the simulation is moving too fast
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.