One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
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Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭