I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
found my next D&D character name
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My love language is deader than Latin
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s