“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Still my favourite meme.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.