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Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
socratic questions
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
*puts my mental health in rice
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”