I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Friday
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now