Succinctly put.
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
LOOOOOOL
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.