[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
yeah not falling for this one
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.