Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth