The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!