Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.