righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Fluff me with a fork baby
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb