Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
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DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I think I’ll stand
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick