A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Spider-cat: No One Home
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Can’t, holding a grudge
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.