Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
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A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
This guy gets it.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?