“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
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ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The Assassin.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.