Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
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In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
every. time.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.