[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me