I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”