* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
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Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.