I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
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Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?