train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
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Pass gas, not judgment.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people