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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
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It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.